So after this series of poems (aren’t you proud of me for actually consistently posting?!) I’m going to share with you my next little ventures.
Hopefully I can keep this up, but I posted a few videos on my tiny YouTube channel that has no subscribers (hint, hint help a girl out please xx). I’m just trying to find a way to share my work, because since I had an intense Reiki session and severed ties with my monsters (more on that later lol) I’ve been less afraid of sharing my creative voice. It’s actually quite a liberating feeling, after so many years of being ashamed of asking for attention or being seen, to finally have an actual desire to put myself out there without fear.
This is a song by Lake Street Dive, one of my all time favorite bands. I really love this song, because it’s honest about the pain of being held back by past experiences. I resonate with it in the sense of being constantly affected by the conditioning of a traumatic and abusive childhood that affects my sense of reality every day. I’m just trying to reprogram my mind, heal from those experiences, and ultimately change into a more loving and open person. It’s really not easy, and the poems I’ve shared with you have been a way of healing and processing all that.
Here is a little cover I did, spontaneously and imperfectly, with my brother playing the guitar.
So a little break from your regularly scheduled content…. to share something a bit funny and sexually explicit (not too bad, hehe)
This is a little piece I did from a song concert earlier in the year, that I really didn’t think I would be able to pull off. I never did a comedy song before, and I thought I was shit at it and can only be sad and dramatic. But I actually had sooo much fun doing it, and my teachers and classmates helped me to just go for it all out and the result was like nothing I’d ever achieved before. I had the kind of post-concert adrenaline that was like nothing I’d felt before. I couldn’t sleep until 3am because I was absolutely buzzing, and it reminded me that this is the crazy, euphoric high I’m in love with and keeps me going through all the crazy shit and endless grinding.
This is a video from the last night of term. I had a fever, runny nose, and sore throat but when the show began it all went away. These past few months have been incredibly difficult, wonderfully eye-opening and full of painful and exponential growth. Through navigating the world alone in a foreign country, managing 12 hour days, endless illnesses and trying to stay sane it’s been quite a handful. But what I love most about this year, and what I do, is the work. I love to go in depth on analysis, practical skills, theory, and exploration. It excites me to the degree where I can’t fall asleep at night because songs are buzzing around my brain, or my mind is whirring with new ideas brought up by my professors. I love to throw myself into these things, and it nourishes me through all the pain and stress. Now, having had a few days to process, I can see that this is what I love, what I’ve always loved, and what I will always love. Learning, working, performing. But most importantly, I want to do it my own way. Through creation, vulnerability, and honesty. I want to make and perform, I want to adventure and think and enjoy all the deliciousness of life. And all of it is a work in progress, so I thought I might just share where I am now on this journey.