Starting over

Since I moved to NYC I’ve felt like a child again. Starting over completely from square one. It’s the same way I felt my first few months in Spain: stumbling around lost over words, taking the wrong metro, and finding myself exhausted and overwhelmed. I fell into the things that felt safest: money, and the acquisition of it. When I’m scared, I want to make money. Money feels like safety to me. Maybe because when I was a child my parents so ridiculously mismanaged money that I never felt secure. When I was 12 years old we went without heating or electricity in January (in Maine) because my dad didn’t pay the bills. For this reason, I’ve always felt so much anxiety around money and myself have mismanaged it. I thought that I would do better than my parents, but in many ways that would be nearly impossible for me because I have no other model on how to be financially competent. 

So this is where I am in NYC. Living on a prayer, investing in myself and my music, and making the connections I need (albeit slowly). I’m here in the strangest of times, and some people don’t understand my decision to stay here and persevere. But in many ways I have the sense that I need to see through this phase of my life in the city. I was called to be here, at this moment, for a very specific reason that I can’t even comprehend yet. 

I find myself focused more on the physical here, finding jobs, finding security, community, friends. But at the same time as I do that, my inner world is getting less focus. I have to come to terms with the balance of time I have in the day, what needs to be done, and how to still love and care for the many complex parts of me. And maybe taking a step back from deep, transcendental experiences and past life explorations is okay. I’ve had so much time this past year to delve deep into my soul, feel and heal so many things, at a rapid and almost maniacal pace. I was exhausted from healing like it was a full time job. My gatekeeper (the masculine aspect of my soul that controls the past life regressions) is anxious about us being “left behind” in this ascension process or “falling back”, and I understand that feeling. But what if we could trust that life is also an ascension process? That everything we experience here is meant to grow us?

My masculine aspects have been very activated lately. I’ve been feeling bursts of intense and productive energy, followed by slumps and burn out. My inner protector has been through it, he feels guilty and anxious about all the traps we’ve fallen into, all the scams and negativity that he allowed through, and allowing us to become prey. But we have to forgive ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves for what we didn’t know yet and be grateful for what we do know now. I just want to feel safe, and that is a feeling that comes from inside and no other source. Maybe it will come with a keen sense of the lay of the land here, or a stable income, or through the community that springs up around me, already holding support. Whatever it is, I know that to be growing and reaching is much more important to me than feeling “safe” in every aspect of my life. Safety truly comes from trusting the universe to support you, allowing the love to flow into every crevice of your being, and allowing every feeling to be honored and accepted. 

I still find time in my life to hold space for every aspect of myself, let the tears flow, and hold them with love and appreciation for this human experience. Being here in this human body is a blessing enough, and I remind myself there is no schedule to follow or time limit to fulfill. We’re all here on our own unique, multifaceted journey that is truly endless. I just keep telling myself that nothing really matters. In the grand scheme of things, the matter is all energy capable of moving. Even when we die we press restart. We don’t have to get it right the first, third, or fifteenth time. It’s all good. 

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