I’ve been feeling selfish with my energy these past 48 hours, and a strong desire to shut myself away from my phone, messages, people constantly trying to reach me. I understand that many souls are feeding off of my energy and have been, but now I am exhausted and need to go within…
This is always the case with marathons and burnout. The love has been moving through me in ever-rapid ways, but with it comes the cleansing and releasing of every blockage it encounters. I feel called to share myself in ever increasing vulnerability and give my energy, but in some ways it doesn’t feel enough to people and they expect my full attention when I cannot give it to them. I’m setting boundaries with how much I give, while it still feels like the world is taking and feeding off of me.
Yesterday the strangest thing triggered me. I was watching Tik Tok videos of people in my generation (Gen Z) who grew up with the Harry Potter books and felt such a deep connection to them that they are trying to shift timelines to jump into that reality, with their own scripting and creation. The thing is, I feel like my generation is the most densely packed with star seeds and multi dimensional souls, that many people are actually succeeding at this and then dealing with the staggering after effects of coming home from an alternate reality and are faced with the stark contrast of this one. They feel more connected to the reality of Hogwarts and magic and the wizarding world then they are to this box of 3D. They’re succeeding in visiting and spending time in those alternate dimensions that they scripted, meeting and interacting with fictional characters, and fully, sensually experiencing it. This deeply fascinated me and I started to become fixated on the idea of being able to jump to a reality that we can design and create and actually manifest and live in. I wanted so badly to “go through the looking glass” into this fantasy world that I occupied so much time in as a child. Through most of my childhood and early teenage years, books were my only comfort and escape from an abusive and terrifying household. Listening to Harry Potter books was a calming escape, into a world where magic was real and accepted and the world of Hogwarts was what I wanted to experience the most. Yesterday I wanted so badly to not be “here” anymore, in this density and limitation of 3D, that I was overwhelmed with tears. I felt deeply my inner teenager, my inner orphan in the 4D plane, aching and longing to return to what truly feels like “home”.
For a few days now I’ve had this headache, aching in my crown and third eye, as well as so many strange physical symptoms, a desire to eat very little, and a feeling of spinning through a void space between death and new life. I feel as if I’m in a daze or trance when I navigate the physical world, which happens to be the jarring subways in NYC and every shade of humanity you see here. I’ve been anchoring into the sense that this is where I’m meant to be, that the work I’m doing is important, that I am learning to serve in my own unique way. But with just as much joy and fulfillment comes the shadow and doubting my own truth. I’ve let myself burn in the fire, as my inner child, inner teenager, and then as me now, a multi-dimensional being learning to navigate the reality of many different portals and timelines unfolding as one. I’m realizing and accepting that I am here now for a reason, in this reality and this density. The 5D is always available, it’s always been there and always will be, but this is truly the exciting adventure in this body and space/time. Trusting my physical body as a portal, as a light vehicle, is a process I’m learning to embody. Releasing the fear, or the NEED to escape, is what I’m feeling through now. I don’t fully understand yet what the “present” is without the context of the past, but in the meditation and in the flames I felt the “past” burning away. It almost felt as if I was melting, sweating away toxins, disintegrating, as I am now free falling through the portal of my new reality.