rest, trust, and writing music!

This week has been the most “grounded” in reality I’ve had in awhile. Whether that is a good or bad thing, I don’t know… but last weekend I was feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted by the amount that was coming through from my metasouls (or “past” lives as others call them) and I felt like I needed a break. It’s strange, time feels so long and so short all at the same time. I put my gatekeeper to bed, the aspect of my soul that has been with me since the beginning and seen EVERYTHING that’s happened in my *infinite* lifetimes. I feel like my gatekeeper has been throwing sooo much at me since we connected just a few months ago. It seems like every other day there’s a new aspect to meet, a new timeline in a different time/space or dimension, and a new trauma to heal. This is all AMAZING, without saying, and all the quantum healing has been truly extraordinary. But also, it’s A LOT for a human body to take!! For some reason, my whole life I’ve felt like I’m “running out of time”. This feeling really accelerated in 2020. Like I’m racing towards the finish line of something, but I don’t even know what it is. It could be this idea of “enlightenment”, thinking maybe one day I’ll “make it” and I’ll be done. Or that I have to get there by a certain time frame or all will be lost. But both of those beliefs are just not accurate. No one is ever “done”, and there is absolutely no time constraint. The universe is infinite, we have all the time to play around in every corner of this dimension. 

Maybe that could be a belief that my gatekeeper holds. He wants to get all this millennia old trauma off his hands and pass it on to me, which is great and what I’m here for. But I’ve had to talk to him and tell him that I also deserve space and rest and to just enjoy my time on Earth sometimes! I’m all for this great journey of self-exploration, but we’ve got time, we can take it at whatever pace suits us. 

So this week I’ve been focusing on me. Taking care of my most intimate parts, my inner child and teenager and this current version of me (idk where to place her yet). I’ve been studying music and songwriting all week, practicing the piano and guitar and writing songs. I’ve been learning about beautiful human things, and thinking a lot about my purpose in this world and what I’m going to do next. Which brings me to some exciting news…

I’m working on an EP! This time with music that resonates completely with who I am and what I want to offer the world. Co-written by my Divine Self, inner teenager, and many other people and lessons that come together to create it. 

So I’m working hard on that. I quit my job a few weeks ago, quite spontaneously, but what quickly arose after that was the sense that I was taking on a new and more difficult job: my own passion. I’ve also found myself saying “no” a lot. Saying no to job opportunities (which hurt but I have to trust), auditions for roles that didn’t resonate with me, and setting boundaries for my own space when I need it. Saying no is kinda scary. It’s also scarier to look at the things that used to excite me and inspire me, that I wanted so badly, but now seem almost meaningless. I said yesterday that I feel like I’m clearing my schedule for something, but I don’t know what it is yet. Everyone seems to be drifting in existential ennui right now, not quite happy with where we are but not yet seeing clearly where we can go.

All I can think of is my 2020 word of the year, the one so accurately received, that I keep coming back to: 

Trust. 

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