forgiveness & softness

I’m learning how to hold space for myself in every step of the process. Not just for the days or moments that I’m shining, joyful, loving and glowing in all directions. I’m here for the shame loops, the addictions and old habits, and all the painful traumas that keep surfacing and healing. 

It was my birthday this week, and to celebrate we went away to a cabin for a few days. It was very lovely and cozy, but it also felt like a time of deep release and letting go. Furthermore, to celebrate, I ate a ton of food. I guess my reward for being so “controlled” about my eating and thinking I had “solved” my relationship to food. I ate so much, as much as I could, as often as I wanted to, and when I wasn’t even hungry. Food felt like love again, and that I deserved to experience as much of it as I could. Of course I felt disgusting afterward, sick and gross from eating as much sugar and gluten free/vegan goodies I could.  Now, coming back to normal life, I had to deal with all these inappropriate-feeling cravings and impulses that came back again. I felt like I lost any “progress” I might have gained in the past month. But I’m trying to change my perspective again. To look at it with love. Instead of punishing myself for eating or wanting to eat something (which is a very unhealthy way to relate with food) I should instead just offer love. Be curious and open to whatever my body feels like it needs, or whatever emotional need I’m trying to fulfill from eating. I’ve always tried to quit sugar, cut out sugar, get rid of my sugar addiction. Usually I can succeed initially, sometimes even for a few months, but eventually I find myself eating sugar again somehow. And then I feel the “naughtiness” and shame connected with eating it that just makes me eat more of it. It’s almost like when you catch your dog chewing on something and you try to take it away from them and they start chewing faster. This pattern of all or nothing just isn’t sustainable, and it isn’t working for me. But now instead of trying to constantly control myself and my body, I’m going to observe what’s coming up with love and curiosity.

Also a pretty difficult topic to bring up (TW child sex trafficking) has been a deep wound playing out in my metasoul. I don’t know how, why, where, or when (in 3D terms) but I feel a deep connection to an aspect of myself that is a child who’s been subjected to sex trafficking, kept in captivity and abused. This presence emerged a little while ago, soon after I went through some deeper soul initiations, and I’ve been working with and holding her pretty much constantly since then. This feels like a trauma that runs much deeper and denser than the ones I’ve worked with in the past, but the more I feel into it the more I see the many layers and interconnected webs embedding into my body, soul and mind. At some times I feel completely out of my depth, as I see how much this connects to my relationships, sexuality and psyche and at some moments I don’t feel equipped to face it. But I know that my soul wouldn’t reveal it to me if I wasn’t ready to heal it. So I’m trying to be patient, take it day by day, in connection with my other dimensional guides and aspects. I know my soul has signed up for and taken on some intense healing already, and I know that I can get through this. This is a collective wound, and requires love and compassion for both sides, and I know that the healing and transmutation of it within me is a service of love for humanity. I’m healing the oppressor and the oppressed at the same time, looking to hold the dark and light both in forgiveness and softness.