Letting go to let in

I’m letting go. I’m letting go of my history, my past, my future, my expectations, my desires, my aspirations, my achievements, my hardwired “identity.” It all seems to be falling away right now, in a graceful and loving way. More and more I’m feeling into my divine self each day, a process that has been going on for the past few months. I’m learning how to embody love and joy in every moment, which feels like a current running through me that I have the option to tap into as I please. What’s beautiful is that it’s always there, and it’s inside of each and every human being. We’re all made of the same Divine stuff and there is no separation or limitation or boundary. It’s not even as difficult to find as people make it out to be.

I’m letting go of things that I thought defined me. I’m letting go of my goals. I’m done striving to “achieve” something or “be something” or even “be someone”. I already am. I feel myself soaking in Divine love like a sponge, and the more saturated I become the rest fades away. I realized today, that I am here to serve love. My soul purpose is to SHINE, which has been repeated to me many times in many different ways by my Divine Self. What this exactly means I’m not sure yet, in terms of where I’ll work or what I’ll do. But the reason I’m on Earth at this exact moment is to shine a powerful beaming light and love around me. I may not be there fully yet, but I know that I have the potential to be living my soul purpose 24 hours a day every single day of the year.

 I want to stay open to let the universe manifest what it wants through me. A soul aspect of mine told me today:

“The art is not about the artist. The art is what the Universe manifests through you, you are only a channel.”

Thinking about my career at the beginning of this year, there was so much I wanted to achieve and so much unworthiness at the same time. I wanted to be a Musical Theatre performer because I was finishing my degree in that, but I often felt (and was made to feel) that I was not good enough, not disciplined enough, and just didn’t have the raw talent. I was pushing forward and getting disheartened at the same rate. The environment of the Musical Theatre industry and higher education is extremely toxic, racist, and elitist and so much of that was deeply dissonant in my relationships to it. Then when I went into quarantine and pulled my 360 view focus off of Musical Theatre, did I realize that in fact, I did not want to be going to dance calls and being humiliated in front of a panel of judging old white men. I turned to music, started writing songs and singing, and said that now I was going to be a musician! But I quickly realized the vast amount of knowledge I was lacking in the field and the seemingly endless crevasse that stretched between where I was and where I wanted to be. Then whenever I wanted to sit down and try to put in the work, I became panicked and frustrated that I wasn’t getting it immediately, and wanted to throw the whole idea away. Writing feels like a channel for me and letting in the Divine through poetry. I thought that my words could spread light. But every single time I’ve submitted a poem or writing to any mainstream publication or contest, it’s rejected. This leads to more feelings of unworthiness, and I can avoid typing or writing a single word for months.

 So I’m kind of just giving up. I’m forgetting who I am, but at the same time remembering who I REALLY am, which is Divine love. The path of remembering is the one that has kept me tightly and acutely fascinated (especially this past year) and feels to me like the most worthy work of all. 

I’m going to write more often because this feels important to me right now. I’m letting go of attachments but not closing myself to the world. I feel the ego mask slipping and blurring and hopefully melting away. This is why I’m going to start a new series of writings, about personal histories, inspired by Paulo Coelho. 

Here is an excerpt from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho:

“How does one go about abandoning the story one was told?”

“By repeating it out loud in meticulous detail. And as we tell our story, we say goodbye to what we were and, as you’ll see if you try, we create space for a new, unknown world. We repeat the old story over and over until it is no longer important to us.”

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