Day 6: Why do I feel the compulsive “need” to finish my food? Like I won’t be able to eat it tomorrow? Why does each meal feel like the last meal on Earth and I should get in as much as I can? That’s how I felt last night, after eating some *delicious* curry. The smell of it nearly floored me alone and when I started eating….wow. Just wow. But then I pushed the limits of my delicate stomach and ate as much as I possibly could… why? I don’t know. Probably because I felt really hungry as soon as the food touched my lips, or I thought that “oh tomorrow I’ll start cleansing again, so I need to eat it all tonight”. But the thing is, I’m not sure if I’m going to keep cleansing. I need to get back to work, to life, to having ENERGY. Looking at my body now, yeah I’ve lost some pounds, but they’re probably going to come back easily. I think I prefer getting stronger and leaner instead of feeling like I’m just wasting away (which was not the intention of this fast but is a side effect). I think it’s better for me right now to focus on how to change my relationship with food long term, and learn more about what “hunger” actually feels like in my body. This was the purpose of the fast, and why I felt guided to it, to rethink my relationship with food and take the time to detox and unplug from this “food matrix”. I think cleanses and fasts are incredible for doing that, but keep in mind that releasing toxins is exhausting. It’s mentally, physically and emotionally draining, and should not be taken lightly. Now it feels like I’m starting over, with a fresh palate and clean stomach, to be able to feel exactly how my body reacts to what I put in it, and what it wants and needs for fuel. I’m relearning, retasting and rediscovering food.
This morning I woke up still full from dinner, and pretty tired, so I decided to have a cup of green tea with caffeine (I don’t normally have caffeine). I noticed a bit later that my stomach felt upset and I felt really “buzzy” and weird and lightheaded. I’m guessing this is a reaction to the tea, and it’s interesting to see how differently my body responds to it now. I felt intuitively that my body didn’t want any green tea or caffeine in it. The strange thing is, although I was still very satisfied from dinner and didn’t have a desire to eat, I was thinking about food and that I should eat to fix the situation. Then a little later after that, I realized the sensations in my stomach that I thought were “hunger” and connected to thoughts of food, were actually just my stomach struggling to process an unwelcome substance. Once the thoughts of food dissipated, I was just left with a stomach that felt full and unhappy and rumbling away. It’s just so interesting to me, the ways our bodily sensations, thoughts and impulses are so connected and deeply conditioned. I have no real plan for what I’m going to eat (or not eat) today, but I’m going to wait and see and feel it out.