I’m back again! Here with another story. For the past six weeks, I’ve been following a series of group calls with the Soulful Heart experience, a beautiful collective of healing and spirituality, their blog is linked here: https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/blog
This process has been massively transformational, beautiful and rejuvenating. I’ve learned so much about myself, my multidimensional soul and holding space for every part of myself. Healing my inner child, inner teenager, exploring “past” lives and digesting the energies that are so latent in the world right now. For that reason, I’ve been quiet. Reflecting in a raw and private way, but ready to share a bit with you now.
The final call was about allowing the inner warrior to transition from being a fighter into an ambassador of love. Leaving behind energies of polarity and aggression, letting go of this illusion of fighting an external force like injustice or oppression, when that real conflict exists inside of me the whole time.
But in my case, my inner warrior and inner punisher were the little voices in my head, telling me to exercise and eat healthy, to push self-discipline and hustle, working myself to the bone and believing the only way I would be successful was through suffering and self-punishment. This voice shamed me for taking a day off, for eating sugar, for resting and not being productive, for slipping. They made me believe that if I was not consistently working hard, creating something, or pushing my body and mind to their limits I was not worthy. This is what drove me to accomplish so many things and change my circumstances, but it also filled me with shame and deep unworthiness.
What struck me most in the call, and deeply resonated, was when Raphael (the facilitator) said that often we use self-discipline and self-punishment as blocks that we create because we’re actually terrified of getting what we want. We create resistance and keep pushing the goal farther and farther away, because we have these illusions separating us from what we desire. We always have this option of total love and unity, open to us whenever we choose it, but we’re too scared to accept it.
But I’m learning now that I don’t need that anymore. I love my inner warrior and inner punisher, and they are fundamentally good and loving parts of me that were working to protect me in the best way they could. But the world is changing. These old limitations we existed within are dissolving. I’m working through layers and layers of conditioning, from childhood to societal, untangling and following strings all the way back to the core reality: I am love. That is all that’s real. I am love no matter what, always and infinitely, and letting it in is the only task I have to accomplish in this world. I don’t have to find a spiritual teacher, or go on a retreat, or do yoga at 5am every morning, because everything that I am looking for exists within me. I could eat ice cream all day and watch TV till 2am and still be a completely joyful spiritual being, There’s nothing I have to prove or attain, I only have to release any illusions binding me to a reality that doesn’t serve anymore. There’s no “formula”, or “plan” or rules or boundaries to follow. These outdated punishing dogmas and religions served only to separate us further from the knowledge that we already embody. We are perfect, we are loved and loving, and so infinitely worthy.
There’s no need anymore to fight or prove my worthiness, or slay the dragon, and destroy the injustice. I’m not doing anything wrong, there’s nothing I could possibly “do wrong”.
In conversation and holding space for my inner punisher and inner warrior, this is what they said to me:
Inner punisher: I want to keep you safe. I know the world has hurt you a lot and I want to keep you from getting hurt again, so I hurt you myself. I wanted you to be tough enough that nothing in the external would phase you, because you already prepared for it with me. But I realize that picking on you like that doesn’t make anything better. It doesn’t make you any safer, it just makes you resent me, and get hurt by me, which in turn hurts me right back. I didn’t mean to hurt you, you have to know. We were close when you were a child. I kept you safe from harm as much as I could, I minimized the reactions and the fights that touched you, but as you grew up you couldn’t stay under my protection. Your teenager and I couldn’t get along. I overpowered her quickly and shouted in her ears, but she didn’t obey me. She wanted to make mistakes and feel them, and I didn’t want her to. I wanted her safe. But there’s no safe in locking you up and throwing away the key.
Inner warrior: you are naturally strong, and your passion goes to fighting very easily. I felt noble and I felt just and right in those moments, but all that fighting wore me out. I’m tired. After eons of toppling dictators and kings and heading movements, I’m tired of trying to fight all the pain inside of me on the outside. It’s all a reflection of the same thing. Trying to eradicate my own darkness by eradicating the perceived darkness outside. But darkness is the love, the feminine, the powerful digestion and integration of love. Darkness is beautiful and needed and from now on will always be honored. I’ve held the keys of your soul since the beginning. I’m the warrior and the gatekeeper, one in the same. Because the warrior has been your soul’s blueprint for so long. But what can the warrior do when there are no battles to fight? I’m afraid of surrendering to love, because I’m afraid I won’t exist anymore. What is my purpose if not to fight? I feel ashamed and I feel guilty and remorseful for everything I’ve done. Everything I pushed you into, everything I made you believe, all the battles you chose and won or lost. All the people you lost on the way, and the most painful secret that no matter how long you battled the war never ended. Again and again, repeating every lifetime, the same pain and injustice to push back against. But now…. What now? I’m trying to surrender. I’m trying to put down the sword and let the love in.
We can do it together. We can find a new way to be. We can let go of the fight, put down the sword and see how it feels. See how light your arms can be, and let them open to let in the beauty of everything around you. Let the battle rage inside you if it must, but you will only be a peaceful observer, holding space in love for duality and honoring it’s playing out, until the moment we realize we don’t need it anymore.