April 21

Hey guys,

So it’s actually been really challenging to try to write something every day… then every day turned into every two days, then three days, but…

Here we are. I’m still trying. 

It’s really hard to show up right now.

It’s hard to do the things I’m “supposed” to do. It’s hard finishing my degree. It’s hard doing classes online, and figuring out how to make that work.  

It’s just hard. Everyone is feeling it. Everyone is overwhelmed. Nurses, doctors, essential workers, teachers, students, kids, adults, everyone in the world is being affected. 

Some days are easier than others, that’s for sure. One day I can wake up early, meditate, listen to all my affirmations, cook good food, workout, be productive and stay positive! I give myself a fucking high five for being “amazing at life”. 

And then the next day I wake up and I just can’t “do life”. Just nope, not today. Sometimes I’m sifting through old traumas and pains, feeling like I’m wading through mud in the middle of a rainstorm. Wondering if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, wondering if we’ll ever get there…

And then I get mad at myself for “wasting time”. I get frustrated that I can’t just “be better”. I get angry at my body for being the way it is, while it’s just being a good body that is doing the best it can. I pick at the skin on my face, cursing the pimples that dare rise up and disturb my ideal of beauty. I eat too much and watch TV all day all so I don’t have to feel. 

But the minute I stop running, the minute I sit down with myself and say:

“Hey, it’s okay. What is it you’re trying to express?”

And let tears fall down my cheeks, I can finally start to forgive. I carry so much shame around “negative” emotions. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be angry, I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be upset. A lot of this does come from the trauma I experienced from childhood, having a volatile mother who’s emotional needs I always had to take care of. I never got to be angry about it. I never got to be sad about it. I always subjugated my own needs out of fear. 

But I’m an adult now. I’ve done the work, I’ve faced my demons and cut them out of my life. I’m moving forward, I’m growing expansively and exponentially. I’ve gotten involved in the “self-improvement” culture. Law of Attraction, positive affirmations, and all of that is great. But sometimes this idea of always trying to be joyful and positive all the time is fucking exhausting. I still feel that shame around my complex and “negative” emotions. I think I’m doing it wrong if I’m not having a good day every day. 

To be fair, all of those things have been such incredible and useful tools, but we still need to hold space for ourselves when we’re not feeling peaceful, loving and abundant. We’re still valid when we’re not doing our best, when we lie in bed under the covers because we’re scared or stressed. And we’re allowed to be. 

I have to admit, I’m upset right now. I’m mad at the world, this country, this government, the deep heavy layers of corruption that run down deep to the core. My whole sense of reality and structure is unraveling. As is everyone else’s, I’m sure. Everything we thought we knew is crumbling, every guarantee we thought we had is evaporating. We don’t know how long we’re here for or what’s going on. 

But I’m remembering my New Year’s resolution for 2020: 

Trust.

Short and sweet and oh so complicated. 

What other choice do we have? Trust is a hard thing to come by these days. So many things seem wrapped up in illusions, false pretenses, and confusion. But the trust I’m interested in runs deeper than that. It’s about trusting the process. Trusting the painful healing to cleanse me and help me grow even more. Trusting that everything that falls will be rebuilt. Trusting that what we lost is nothing compared to what’s coming. Trusting the journey no matter the twists and turns and rabbit holes we fall into. When we don’t know what’s ahead, that means anything is possible. We can be open to the most incredible possibilities.

So if you got here to the end, congratulations, because I really had no idea where I was going with this. I’m trying to be more consistent. I’m trying to show up. I’m trying to keep trusting. If you can relate to any of this, please let me know, we’re all in this together.