I desperately want to be on display. And I’m desperately tired. It’s not that I think I’m not beautiful, but I want the world to see what different beauty can look like. It seems desperately important. To be beautiful and myself. To not want to be someone else. To want to better myself for the sake of improvement, but let myself be bad sometimes as well. My body feels better without sugar, but eventually, after sugarless months all I want is sweet guilt and rebellion against my own rules. And then I remember why my body feels better without it. But I still want the option to feel that again. I want to be good all the time, but that’s not possible. Sometimes you have to rebel against your own ambition. Sometimes you have to be a potato. Sometimes that’s what you need most. I know I’ll be productive again sometime.
We have to accept where we are on our journey. So many things we try, we fail, we forget about it, we remember it, we try it again, it fails again, we try once more, eventually it sticks. It takes time. You can’t expect to be everything you’re meant to be right now. There’s so much more to build upon. Growth is never linear, and it never makes sense when you’re in the middle of it. Only after some time, you look back at yourself and realize how far you’ve come.